Snow is falling on the front lawn Everything is soft and still I am freezing in gray sweatpants Looking out by the windowsill Hear a song in my brain Take a seat at the keys and I’m fumbling Until my fingers land in the right place There’s a stirring in the house Interrupted hibernation Friends are shuffling to fill their parts In this implicit orchestration Tony sits by my side I crawl down to the pedals And play the bass line Everybody’s singing, screaming, “It’s alive!” I write the same thing every morning In this journal by my bed It’s been two years since I left that place But it’s still living in my head Nostalgia kills Ah, what a trap I try to fight the feeling But the feeling fights back It’s so hard to look ahead When all your dreams are hijacked Picture myself back in the basement On that stage we built ourselves Cobwebs clogging up the rafters Broken lights and dusty shelves There’s a piece of my soul That’s been locked away In that concrete hole That I tried to bury without a proper funeral Goodbye, Blue Bunny Goodbye, Big Blue Promise to release you (But you gotta) Let me go, too

I will never forget the first time I saw him coming out of the trees Fear in his eyes, tongue hanging to the side He was skinny, dying, and shaking bad so badly Everybody thought I was lying I would feed him scraps when I could They said a deer would never make it out there all alone Until they caught him digging around in the compost Bugs bite and whole lives can change Some things never go away I was pretty sure that they got him One night in the middle of May I heard the coyote cry, bloody full moon in the sky But it was over by the time I ran into the driveway Every now and then people see him Like the Jersey Devil of the Shawangunks With bluetongue in his veins, his power taken away The king has fallen, he's crawling But he won't give up, he won't give up! Bugs bite and whole lives can change Some things never go away

There's a robin in the garden soaking up the sun It's been 23 days since I last spoke to anyone And I'm smoking out the window, blowing circles in the breeze It's a lanternfly invasion, yeah they're chewing up the trees Speed up, slow down, start over Speed up, slow down, start over I finally read your letter, it's been in a box for years From right before I broke your heart and abruptly disappeared Well, you wrote a lot of nice things, but really knew how to get me You said everything I ever loved died in the nineties Maybe you're right Speed up, slow down, start over Speed up, slow down, start over Now the cats are in the garden, creeping up real slow Robin's in the hot seat, it's me and birdie on death row In a prison of potential, yeah I got myself put away She doesn't know her next move but she's taking off anyway Into the night Speed up, slow down, start over Speed up, slow down, start over

I see you standing there by the bonfire Clutching your glass so tight If you held it any harder it would shatter And I know you’d rather not talk tonight It's the first time that I’ve seen you in three years And I should have known that you’d be here It’s my best friend’s wedding and you’re dating his little sister And the thought of that just makes me sick It’s not that I know her that well, it’s the possibility That’s she’s buying all your bullshit just like we all did And doesn’t know Terrible memories flash before me Of you hanging ‘round our house banging on the door I’d say “what’s the point in knocking?” every time that I’d find You getting drunk in our living room Acting like time was something we owed you Oh but tonight I find myself wondering if you’ve changed And even if you’re still the same I’ve got a couple things I’d like to say ‘Bout the way you treated all of us We’re getting right into the hard stuff You think you deserved a fair trial But you could understand why we lost our patience after awhile And as I’m brushing the ashes Away from your collar You tell me that your brother died right before we met And once you found something good you just threw it away Threw it all away In the dark we look for god In the light we’re drawn back down to the devil

“Park the car ahead!” I see you pointing at a side street Up on the left You said that once or twice already But this time I believe it And I finally pull off of State Route 52 Pop the trunk, grab a tent and a guitar case And I’m following you Up into the trees Moonlight making its way through Like laser beams We cross a bridge at the top I can’t even see the water I get the feeling it’s a hundred miles below And I’m about to ask but the smile on your face Says I’d rather not know Posting up on a ledge Strumming chords into the darkness Between your brain and mine We can play any song Just about right I wake up at dawn To the sound of the birds and the bugs And you’re gone I step outside to the edge And watch the sun rising Filling up the gully with pink light I spot you down there Splashing ‘round at the base of the waterfall You and me on the moss Flat out, watching prop planes float across And there’s still story that you tell me every now and then About the time that you ran away to this place And the details always change But I believe you when you say “It feels like home”

To be back is to suffer immensely. It isn’t the memories that are painful. It’s the full body electrocution of reconnecting with a past life. There, over on the corner of Main and North Front Street – a small bench colloquially known as Manny’s Lounge where I used to get high and watch passersby. I stroll past the stoop where kids would brown bag it and flip off the cops, brainstorming a better world. That place used to be a coffee shop. And this over here, well that was a record store. It’s raining now on Water Street. I spread my arms wide and laugh hard in the face of annihilation. I’ve got nobody left in this college town. Three years ago me would have jumped at the sound. Three years ago me wanted change, solitude, to be unknown. To move away and encourage everyone else to do the same. They left the chairs out under the awning at Mudd Puddle. I drop my bags and willingly surrender to the jagged embrace of cold metal. Sitting by the road and doing my time like Blaze Foley. Where did everybody go? Bell tower in the distance sings its warbled song; I cringe at every note that crawls out from the deluge. In the morning this tune has a charming kind of optimism to it. Over the course of the day something odd happens. Maybe it’s all in the listener. But a certain sort of desperation sets in and at 8pm it’s feeling later than it’s ever been. I book a cheap room and call a cab. Driver wants to know what I’m doing out here. “Making a record,” I say. “Looks like you’ve got a solid crew.” Funny guy. I want to know what he’s doing out here so I ask if he goes to the college. He says yes, or at least he used to, until he was abducted by aliens. I want details. Where did this happen, when, what does he remember? Driver starts telling a story from two, maybe three summers ago, when he was standing outside the engineering building and…and…and…he breaks out into hysterical laughter. I wanna know what the joke is. He says no one’s ever bought the bit so readily and that he’s never even made it this far or thought of a proper backstory. I’m devastated, grieving the loss of what could have been the most interesting part of my day. Just another disappointment. No one is at the front desk of the hotel. Just a little note with my key that reads, “help yourself.” Room looks like an old photograph: black and white with the occasional stain here and there. Lingering stench of cigarettes and day-old conversations. I put on a pot of coffee and flip through Gideon’s bible. Gideon wants to know if I’m alone, depressed, addicted, stressed, cheated, experiencing conflict or temptation. Hmm. Things are bad but not bad enough to find god in some fleabag hotel. I take my coffee straight into the shower. Water isn’t hot but it’s warm enough to fog up the wall-length mirrors across the way. I see in them my distorted body illuminated under dentist office lighting fixtures and spread my arms once more, laughing in the face of annihilation. Hollow eyes, hollow bones, hollow heart. It’s all hollow.

Do you remember Those times you’d lock yourself away for a day or more And I’d write you songs hoping they’d make their way up Through the floorboards Well this is one of those I hope you hear it from a thousand miles away I just wanted to say, “hey” It’s been a long time Probably since that night we tripped on sass in your old bedroom And we cried at the unlikelihood of ever having met Now I don’t know you But I hope you’re doing well down south In the mouth of hell Maybe Florida isn’t that bad I’m just glad it’s you and not me You were always the beach babe between the two of us But I’ll cut the flattery ‘cause there’s a pretty good chance you wish you Could erase my memory At the time, you thought that I was leaving you behind And that's what I did, plain and simple I liked the way things were but you had something different in mind And I wanted a way out I wanted a way And I found it In the concrete heaven and hell of Philadelphia When nobody's being real Sometimes it's better to let the damn thing die But it must have been good for you Because I heard about your latest love connection And you're living together, too

Here she comes again She's pulling up with all her friends She's got a red bandana on And looks a little like Rosie It's the day of the yard sale And we're selling what we can: Bicycles and art supplies, busted up skateboards and t-shirts Adorned with fireflies And I pretend not to see her So she picks through the records And Joe's acting like an auctioneer Says, "There's something for everyone in here!" And I turn away singing a little melody Everything I do and do not want in the same place And I'm in outer space The summer of quarantine and we've been locked up Five months to the day CDC says the sun will come and burn that shit away So we've come out to play And mark the end of this time Before we pack our things and step aside But I'm freaking out because it's all such a mess I don't remember how to speak to my own friends and I'm Touch starved and obsessed with Red Bandana Who isn't so sure how much she wants But she likes the taste Well, I'm gone in thirteen days and it feels like such a waste She buys an Elton John CD and heads back home Then she's blowing up my phone Says it skips her favorite track I say, "What a shame, there's no refunds Maybe you should try to pay attention to the songs that work The songs that want to be heard" The storm moves in real fast Washing away the last of our belongings Straight into the creek Six pairs of bare feet huddled up in the pouring rain At the end of a dead end lane Where I try to take my own advice

Take your shoes off, babe We’ve got so much to say Let’s get personal before it’s too late Let your hair down babe It’s Sunday afternoon and you say You look so much like your mother Walk away, walk away You know that I’ll still be here Walk away, walk away And when you say that you’re sorry I’ll be sorry too Take a picture babe Tomorrow we’ll laugh and cry And wonder why we were so young Sing your heart out babe Cause all the big rock stars were your age And you’ve got all of our attention (yes, you do) Walk away, walk away You know that I’ll still be here Walk away, walk away And when you say that you’re sorry I’ll be sorry too I'll be sorry too I'll be sorry too (go ahead)